Biker Fashions For You (But not for you)

I now consider myself an expert on motorcycle fashions, having just completed my motorcycle fashion wardrobe.  (Or at least Mary Ann hopes I have completed it.)  Now is the time for me to dispense my valuable advice free of charge to the general motorcycling public.

If you have a Harley Davidson, a sportbike, a Honda GoldWing, or a BMW GS Adventure bike, and no other motorcycle, you are excused.  Not because you know everything about motorcycle fashions, but because those four types of bikes already have a complete and unique fashion wardrobe, and I cannot be of any further help to you.

This blog is for the rest of you motorcyclists, who do not have any particular style carved in stone for you and your bike.

For my non motorcycling life,  my wardrobe is minimal to sketchy.  I have one thing to wear to weddings and funerals (including my own).  Everything else is covered by one "look", basically t-shirt or sweat shirt, jeans or shorts, with some heavier outer clothing for going outside when it's colder.

For motorcycling, things get complicated. For one thing, your clothes need to perform more functions, such as crash protection, severe weather protection (basically like being in a hurricane all the time), visibility to increase chances of survival on the road, and have some resistance to road grime and oil.  Furthermore, these clothes need to match the look of your motorcycle, and look right in various social situations.

Let's start with the jacket.  The iconic black leather motorcycle jacket used have a very distinct tough guy image, which it has kept, but diminished over the years as it was adopted by high school girls and non-motorcycling people of alternate sexual preferences.  In modern language, the black leather jacket has been "nerfed" or rendered less threatening than it used to be in the early sixties.

What does a motorcyclist do if they want to recapture that "tough guy" image in the 21st century?  I suggest a black hoodie. It can be worn with a black leather jacket, or any other kind of jacket.  And nothing says "just shoot me Mr. Vigilante" like a black hoodie.  Oddly, the hoodie also has a nerd-like quality, as you can see on "The Big Bang Theory" where Leonard wear one all the time.  I think the connection between the hoodie, the geeks and the bad guys is through the Emperor Palpatine of Star Wars, who always wears a black hood, and is very evil, and throws lightning bolts from his fingers.

The hoodie is a great motorcycle accessory for all bikers who need fashion advice, and even for Harley riders, as it is also available with the Harley Logo on it.  It works with old bikes, and new.  With metric cruisers, dirt bikes, even scooters.  The only situation where it may not work is in a heavy rainstorm, where it will capture cold water and funnel it down your neck.

Now that I have taken care of the all important "bad boy" image, lets look at survival.  A reflective safety vest will effectively cancel out any bad boy image you may have, so is it worth wearing from a fashion viewpoint?  I would say yes, if you are riding a vintage motorcycle, or a scooter, or if you are not going to a hard core biker rally like Friday 13th in Port Dover.  Actually even in Port Dover, the reflective vest would not be a fashion faux pas, compared to the nude guy with the bunny ears.

Next in the survival category is the helmet, but it may be even more important than a reflective vest.  For a big bike, or a bike that goes on the freeway, a full face helmet is the standard.  For trips around town, or for looking tough, a half helmet may look best.  Unfortunately, it is not as safe, but here we are talking about image.  It's up to you whether image is worth it, but apparently some helmets are now sold in Ontario that only meet DOT standards (not Canadian Standards), and some of them are clearly not safe, because apparently DOT does not test helmets.  But it really seems like some lawmakers don't care much about actual safety, because they have also allowed exceptions to the helmet law for religious purposes in BC and Manitoba, and maybe one day in Ontario.  So of you are a practicing member of a recognized religion that forbids wearing motorcycle helmets, you can really look tough wearing anything your gods will allow.

Now for footwear.  Black leather boots are best, but try to avoid over junkified boots with redundant straps and shiny buckles. Other colors such as yellow/tan workboots are OK, but if you have an old leaky bike they are going to end up black anyway from oil gushing from every gasket.  Stay with a simple Doc Martin style or military style, and you'll look OK no matter what type of bike you ride except for motocross.  Back in the seventies, I used to think cowboy boots were acceptable as motorcycle boots, but now I think lace-up styles are better because they are easier to get on and off and stay on better in a crash.  You just have to make sure to tuck in the laces so they don't get hooked up an any part of the bike.

Picture: Kitten with a hoodie.  When wearing this on the motorcycle, the jacket goes over the hoodie, but the hood itself is folded down outside the jacket.  It must be folded down, as it should not be worn under the helmet.

Ride It To Port Dover Like You Stole It.

I have heard this strange expression "Ride it like you stole it".  Today I tried to  figure out what it means.  I assume the scenario is this: you  come across a random motorcycle with the key in it, jump aboard and take off without doing the 12 point pre-run safety inspection.  Due to the spontaneous nature of the ride, you also do not take the gear you will need, like a full water bottle, a rain suit, and a tool kit.  Of course, you do not perform a tune-up on the stolen bike before firing it up, nor do you add air to the tires.  Then you ride mostly at top speed without regard to engine longevity, or safety.

Another thing you would not do, if you were stealing the bike, is plan out a circular scenic route, ending up back where you started.  But actually, I did just that.  I left Kitchener and headed for Ancaster first, on my way to Lake Erie, then back home.  Just before Ancaster I went on Weir Road and Sulphur Springs Road.  These are good roads for a reckless rider on a Honda CD175, as they have hairpins and some gravel sections.  And if I dump the CD175, who cares?

What kind of clothes does a bike thief wear?  I would expect a bandanna to hide your face, and a black hoodie sweatshirt.  Probably not a construction worker's safety vest, but then again, I might do that just because who would ever expect a person in a safety vest to be stealing a motorcycle?  It's the perfect disguise.

Just before I got to Ancaster, I missed a turn and ended up across the street from a corn maze.  The sight on the ground was nothing much, but while  was checking out my location on Google maps, I saw this pattern across the street from the overhead satellite view.

https://maps.google.ca/?ll=43.289186,-80.026925&spn=0.005748,0.01929&t=h&z=16&layer=c&cbll=43.287866,-80.027903&panoid=paU3ml4NhsVoL3IlLiyZPQ&cbp=11,359.52,,2,4.4

After getting back on track with Google maps, I headed for the bridge over the Grand River at Cayuga, and soon after, took Kohler Road down to pick up the scenic Lakeside Trail heading for Port Dover.  This is not a walking trail, it is a car trail.  There are signs along the way to keep you on track without having to stop and use your i-phone at every turn.

At Port Dover, it was time to eat, but there was no parking left at Tim Horton's.  Instead I stopped at Willy's for a Willy Burger, fries and a Coke. Normally, I should be looking for a nice healthy meal, but a guy who was worried about healthy food would not be stealing bikes, would he?  Also, there was a free motorcycle parking spot nearby, where I could hide the hot bike among all the Harleys outside Clare's Harley Davidson Shop.  Unfortunately the 44 year-old Honda 175 managed to called some attention to itself even in that crowd of shiny hogs.  After my meal on Willy's patio, I was ready to head home. I slowly put my helmet and safety vest on, then backed up and started jumping on the tiny kick starter.  When I turned around, I saw a crowd of Harley riders gathered around me.  I guess they had never seen a kick starter or a stolen bike before.  So I got going before anybody decided to call the fuzz.

First Photo: Sulphur Springs Road.  Second photo: Bike thief from "Bike Locking Tips" at MotorcycleCruiser.com

http://www.motorcyclecruiser.com/accessoriesandgear/0905_crup_bike_locking_tips/

End of World Scenarios are Multiplying

Would you believe this could end the human race?

This was a headline that I spotted this morning:  "Could This End the Human Race?"  Are you guessing I was watching Fox News? No, that was The Weather Channel.  Were they referring to global warming?  Of course not, commercial media have gone silent now for several years about global warming.  They were referring to a solar flare, which they were calling a solar tornado.  And, according to the video presenter, Matt Sampson of weather.com, if this solar flare erupted on Earth, it could wipe out the human race.

http://www.weather.com/video/could-this-end-the-human-race-37304

It seems that no exaggeration is too great any more in the quest for attention grabbing headlines.  Especially on the internet, where mouse clicks result in advertising revenue. As you might expect, when you click this headline you first get a short advertisement just before you find out if the human race is really about to be wiped out. In my case, the ad was about making sure your dog is emotionally healthy.  Of course my dog is emotionally healthy, he does not read headlines like "Could This Wipe Out the Entire Shit-zu Race?" before his first coffee of the morning.

Now lets get back to reality for a second, just in case you were worried, too. A solar tornado cannot happen on Earth, for many reasons.  I will not bother to explain all of them, but suffice it to say that if the surface of planet Earth was like the normal, average surface of the sun, for only ten minutes,  with or without the solar "tornado", all life on earth (not just the human race) would also be wiped out.

Underneath the video are buttons for viewers to express their reaction.  You can choose from  A. Unbelievable B. Terrifying C. Crazy.  Apparently you are not allowed to choose D. "Are you kidding me?"

What bothers me the most about these headlines is that we have now seen from years of surveys, that about 18% of people believe anything they see on TV, newspapers or the internet.  That 18% is the irreducible stupidity element, or I.S.E., and that percent is big enough to swing elections.  It is also big enough to hamper our education system, clog our justice system, water down our health care system, and create mayhem with our traffic system.  They should not be encouraged.

Here is another result for my search for "End of the Human Race".  It's Montana Steam Power Co, that provides emergency electric generators in case the grid goes down, which as they say, will also result in the end of the human race. Unless somebody buys one of these steam generators.

http://www.montanasteampower.com/

Picture: It's pretty obvious that a robot uprising is more likely to wipe out the human race than either of the first two alternatives.
http://news.mindprocessors.com/technology-news/risk-of-robot-uprising-wiping-out-human-race-to-be-studied/

Is This Really Criticising Jesus?

Quentin Tarantino's latest movie is Django Unchained, a revenge flick set in the times of southern slavery. On February 16, 2013, Saturday Night Live, hosted by one of the stars of Django, did a spoof on the film called "Djesus Uncrossed", where Jesus (or Djesus, or Jesus H. Christ with the H silent), came back from the dead to wreak vengeance on the Romans.

Was the SNL skit a spoof of the movie, or was it a spoof on God, or was it the most blasphemous skit ever in their history?  I'm sorry I missed that episode, but this skit is posted on the internet, here is one link.

http://www.thedailybeast.com/videos/2013/02/17/jesus-rises-on-snl.html

In my opinion, this was not really a criticism of Christianity, it was first and foremost a spoof of the film.  And I have seen almost the exact same theme in a Jesus skit done on "Family Guy" in the episode "North by North Quahog" in the skit "The Passion of the Christ 2: Crucify This".  However, "Family Guy" has done a lot of other things the fundamentalist Christians hate.

http://themaxeychronicles.blogspot.ca/2012/09/innocence-of-muslimsthe-anti-muhammad.html

For example (from this web page, showing how Family Guy is blaspheming Jesus)

A standing gag is that Jesus drives a Cadillac Escalade.
 In "North by North Quahog", he is seen in the car in an action trailer for Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ 2: Crucify This and is portrayed by Jim Caviezel opposite Chris Tucker.
According to the National Gun Association's pro-guns film in "And the Wiener is...", Jesus  and Moses used guns to defeat the Romans.
During his second coming, shown in "Stewie Loves Lois", Jesus's stature is found to be short since science has proven that people were shorter in biblical times.
He also makes use of his powers to assist his golf game, as seen in Holy Crap. Although he is "Employee of the Week" at Happy-Go-Lucky Toys, he is on the golf course going for his fourth Birdie. He makes his swing, and the ball lands extremely close to the hole, on the verge of going in. Using his power, he gets the ball to go in.
In Go, Stewie, Go!, Jesus is on the side of the jocks in a dodgeball game against the meek.

So the basic line taken by Sean Hannity on Fox News is that Liberals are too chicken to take on the Muslims, so it's open season on Christians who don't fight back.

http://www.newshounds.us/20130213_sean_hannity_gutless_snl_writers_hate_christianity_but_are_scared_of_islam

If that were true, I suppose it would be a valid point against all these "attacks" on Christianity.  But none of these skits are attacks on Jesus or Christianity.  They are all attacks on the perverted form of Christianity that is "Born Again Christianity".  The Born Again Christians have basically undermined true Christianity by turning all the teachings of Jesus upside down, preaching hate, not love; war, not peace; wealth, not social justice.  If you are satirizing a perverted form of "Christianity", you are in reality speaking up for Jesus.

And, by the way, Fox News, "Family Guy" is a show on your own network, so how about attacking yourselves for blasphemy, instead of Saturday Night Live on NBC.

Even More Stuff You Can't Say in Canada

While Googling "Seven things that you can't say in Canada" I stumbled across this one by Joel Johannesen.

http://boldcolors.net/things_you_cant_say_in_canada_but_i_do_all_the_time_and_so_should_you/#comments

He lists the seven by Margaret Wente, then adds 16 of his own.  If you didn't know Joel already, you might be forgiven for thinking he was American, as the banner at the top of the blog is an American flag, and the title "Bold Colors" is spelled in the American way.  But he has another blog with the Canadian maple leaf, called "PTBC" or "Proud to be Canadian".  I was wondering if that really should read "PTBAPTBC" or "proud to be American pretending to be Canadian", just because the 16 things Joel says make him sound like he is American.

I am not trying to bash Americans here, but as a Canadian, I do feel that there are some slight differences between Canadians and Americans.  Subtle differences in speech patterns, in some political beliefs, in the sense of humour.  Slight differences, enough to be of interest to Canadians, at least. So I was wondering if I could analyse one of these statements to figure out if Joel was really an American who (possibly) had recently moved to Canada, or a born Canadian who had moved to Alabama when he was three but still claims Canadian status. Or just a American born again Christian with a fake Canadian identity in order to better push a right wing agenda.

According to one of Joel's websites, http://joeljohannesen.com/about-joel-johannesen/ in 1978 he was working for the Trudeau Liberals, and shows a picture, presumably of him wearing a moustache standing almost next to Pierre Trudeau.  Joel does not actually say where he was born, but he claims to currently reside near Vancouver B.C. So if that's true, his liberal beliefs have undergone a fairly major change. It can happen. I know someone who worked for the NDP in the seventies and now has many of the same beliefs as Joel - but not all - and more importantly, my friend does not vote Conservative, and did not become a Born Again Christian (yet).  Also, I have a sister who became a Born Again Christian and holds most of the same beliefs as Joel, but even she would not say hockey sucks.  And neither would any Canadian who knows when Henderson scored that goal.  So Joel's case of brainwashing is extreme, if he has actually lived all or most of his life in Canada.

Let me take one thing Joel says, and see if it can be analysed to discover whether he is Canadian or not Canadian .  He says:

“Whereas Canada is founded upon the principles that recognize the supremacy of God” is the first line in our Constitution.

Does this sound like something a Canadian would ever say?  Frankly I had no idea that this was the first line of the constitution, in fact I was not really sure Canada had a constitution, even though I went to a Canadian high school and was a history teacher. But as a Canadian, I would be willing to at least look it  up on Wikipedia.  First, the Canadian constitution was not yet written when I went to high school, and not even when I was teaching history. Also, that is not really the first line of the constitution, unless "and the rule of law" doesn't count.  I'm glad the writers of our constitution (whoever they may be) saw fit to include "the rule of law".  And that later on, these people also included a bit about Canadians being free to have any God they want. Also, the reason that we include the words  "recognize the supremacy of God" is  because of a campaign by American-backed Evangelicals when the Canadian constitution was written.  Canadians are the sort of people who make compromises and let everybody put in their own ideas, as long as it doesn't hurt anybody else. Also, as of 2013, not all the provinces of Canada have ratified the Constitution, which also apparently doesn't bother Canadians too much.

But Joel's statement is not something I would ever expect to hear out of the mouth of a Canadian. It implies that Canadians have a near-religious respect for our constitution.  That is one a major difference between Canadians and Americans. Americans have a constitution which they worship, and is drummed into them in school. Canadians do not do that.  Secondly, Joel's statement is not even correct, as he cut off the last part of the sentence, which is the only part that all Canadians would actually agree on - I mean recognizing the supremacy of rule of law.  As Pierre Trudeau said "I don't think God cares if He is in the Canadian constitution."  And if that's how God feels, I'm with Him.

Picture:  I propose a simple test to separate Canadians from Americans.  Answer the question "who is in this picture?"
A. Mike Duffy, senator from Prince Edward Island
B. Svend Robinson, Canada's first openly gap Member of Parliament
C. Maurice Richard, hockey player
D. The "God" mentioned in the first line of Canada's constitution.
E. The correct answer is C and D

(Correction that should read "gay")

Are You Smarter Than a Fox Newscaster?

I will confess that I don't very much like Howard Stern.  Howard accuses late-night comedian Jay Leno of stealing his ideas, but let's look at the ones mentioned in the Fox News session with host Megyn Kelly.  Megyn puts on two "experts" who hate Jay Leno to discuss the case. But none that like him, that is not fair.  But then I guess that Fox's motto "Fair and Balanced" is beyond a joke, it is mocking the entire concept of fairness.  Not too surprising, the verdict is that Leno is a swine, but that unfortunately Howard does not have a good legal case due to technicalities.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ntWGpI61XE

In the above Fox News clip, Jay is accused of taking these ideas from Howard Stern:  The Jaywalking bit, the Chicken predicting NFL games, "Are you smarter than a fifth grader", and the "Earn your plugs" idea.  Furthermore, Jay Leno hired one of Howard Stern's characters "Stuttering John" away from him.

I'm going to just go over the basics here of copyright, one is that you need to actually copyright an idea to protect it, which Howard didn't do.  Second, you have to actually come up with the idea first, which Howard also failed to prove (as far as I know, and this may be linked to point one, failing to get copyright).  Third, the idea must be implemented, or executed in the same way, which I don't think is true either.

I should explain that there is a big difference between Jay Leno's type of humour and Howard Stern's.  Jay Leno generally takes the high road, and when I watch his show I don't get the idea Jay is mocking and humiliating people for laughs (although some might see it like that).  On the other hand, Howard Stern's stock in trade is shame and degradation.  I don't happen to like that type of humour, so I might as well make that clear again.  For one relevant example, take "Stuttering John".  Stuttering John was basically a punching bag hired by Howard Stern.  He was ridiculed, first for stuttering (hence the nickname), but eventually also for the way he farted, burped, and smelled.  Also how he took dumps, and how he urinated. You can catch a sample from Howard Stern's show here.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CFwrOGTyOfY

Stern's original idea for Stuttering John was to get a stutterer to ask embarrassing questions of celebrities, who would be too polite to snub a stutterer.  Later, Stuttering John was driven off the Stern show by nasty comments from Howard.  To some people, Stuttering John  was funny, and Jay Leno had reportedly planned to use John the same way as Howard Stern did, but in a less abrasive way.  In all the time I watched the Jay Leno show with John Melendez, he was never referred to as "Stuttering John" (by anyone) and I never knew he stuttered until I saw some bits on Howard Stern.  That helps illustrate the difference between Jay Leno's brand of humour and Howard Stern's.

The hiring of John Melendez was the beginning of the feud between Howard Stern and Jay Leno, and honestly I have never heard Jay Leno criticise Howard Stern, but Howard has been lambasting Jay heavily since then.  That again shows the difference between the two,  Howard is well known for hateful comments, Jay rarely says anything bad about anyone.

Now let's look at Jaywalking.  In this bit, Jay walks down the streets of Los Angeles and interviews ordinary Americans, or tourists.  He asks questions about sports, geography, current events.  This does not really sound like something Howard Stern might have invented, and indeed Howard Stern's bit was all about asking homeless people simple questions and betting on the result. The idea of interviewing people on the street is not original, but Jay's idea is not about making fun of the homeless, but about making fun of the mass culture in America, that places such a low value on education.  In one segment, Jay interviews someone who was claiming that he "staged" the dumb answers in "Jaywalking", so to prove her wrong, he simply asked her a few questions, and amazingly enough, her answers seemed to prove Jay's point.

To me there is a huge difference between the tone of Jay's humour, and Howard Stern's.  And honestly, is there any original funny bit that cannot be traced to some earlier idea?  Although I never saw Jay do the chicken bit, animals predicting the future is not all that original.  It's really what you make of it.

Jay does a weekly bit called "Headlines" that I think is funny, he reads newspaper headlines with mistakes or double meanings.  But that bit is only funny because of what Jay does and says while reading them.  Without Jay's personality, the headlines are not funny at all.  (I tried watching the bit once with the sound turned off.  I did not laugh.)

"Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader", as far as I know, was never used by Jay Leno.  It was taken and made famous by Jeff Foxworthy, on the FOX TV network.  So if anybody stole it, it was FOX.  Megyn Kelly, an employee of Fox, accuses Jay of ripping off "Smarter than a Fifth Grader" at 0:50 in the first video. And just when I thought Fox News could go no lower. Who watches Fox News?  I think we all know - it's the people interviewed in "Jaywalking".

In one final clip, here is Megyn Kelly, on the Howard Stern Show, talking about breasts and penises.  Just to show once again the difference again in the target audience, subject matter and type of humour.  I think Megyn, and probably most of the other Fox News People, "get" Howard Stern's humour better than she gets Jay Leno.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IML_UGhXz2Q

Technology Could Make Canada as Liveable as Arizona

We have just had a really cold few days in Canada. Actually, it was almost like what we used to call "winter". It's time for the "Lost Motorcyclist" (i.e. me) to reflect on how the winter affects us in Canada.

With effective interior heating, Canada has become a much more comfortable country to live in.  At least, I imagine it is, because I have never lived in a house without central heat in the winter - although we did have a coal fired furnace when I was young, it was still "central" heating, with a square heat duct coming up from the basement furnace room to a massive grate in the living room hallway.  But after it belched flames into our home a few times, my mother insisted on replacing with an oil burner.

The next step in fighting cold in the winter after houses, was making heated cars almost universal and clearing and salting all the roads. Back in the early fifties, apparently the province of Quebec did not bother clearing roads between towns.  I say apparently, because we didn't have any provincial roads coming into town anyway.  Or a car. Now, in the winter time most people either stay inside, or sit in their cars, or shop in indoor malls, and you hardly ever feel cold.  Except when shovelling snow - even then some snowblowers have heated cabins.  It is to the point where some people don't even throw on a coat or hat to get in the car and drive to Sarnia, which is why it was so dangerous a few years ago when the 402 was shut down by a blizzard and cars were stuck overnight.

But regardless of all this comfortable heat we surround ourselves with, Canadians still have a tremendous desire to get out of Canada in the winter.  I don't need to say we "go south", because logically, any direction out of Canada is south.  That's because Canada is where the north pole is located.  Yes, I know we go north to get into Detroit, but that's just a geographic anomaly.  But I digress.  Canadians like to go someplace warm in the winter, like Florida, Arizona or Mexico.  Actually any other country on Earth is warmer than Canada, I just don't have time to list them all.

Why do Canadians want to go someplace else in the winter, even though we are so comfortable in our houses, cars, and malls?  Because we miss the outdoors is why.  We like to stand (or more likely, sit) out in the sun, without literally freezing our asses off.  I often go south in the winter because I miss being able to ride my motorcycle here. From November to March, sometimes weeks go by without me getting out for a ride.

Which brings me to the news that technology is being developed which might make Canada's outdoors as warm as Florida in the winter, and I'm not talking about global warming. I'm talking about heated clothing. Just as houses and cars with internal thermostatically controlled heat have made Canada more comfortable in the winter, now your outdoor clothing can have its own heater and thermostat.  The temperature inside a garment (coat, gloves, socks) can be set to regulate itself. And some of the latest heated garments have wireless remote thermostat controls.  They can be located more conveniently than fumbling around inside your pants at 40 below zero.  Also, the controls can, if desired, regulate the heat on separate knobs for vest, gloves, pants, or socks.

http://www.powerlet.com/product/dual-wireless-temperature-controller/471

Heated clothing no longer needs a wire tethered to a motorcycle battery.  More efficient heating elements and rechargeable lithium batteries have made it possible to have heated clothing with portable battery packs. Although to be honest I have not tried this cordless battery operated setup yet.  Check out this jacket at Mark's.

http://www.marks.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/en/marks-marksdefaultsalescatalog/thermalectric-rechargeable-heated-fleece-jacket-21047

It's just one more technological step in making Canada a livable place in the winter, and not just a playgound for polar bears.

Picture: You don't need another picture of me in my electric vest.  Much better is a cat out for a walk in the winter, taken from this website.
http://xaxor.com/funny-pics/29220-funny-cats-playing-in-the-snow-part-3.html

What I Didn't Know About Being Canadian

Readers Digest put out an article "13 Things You Didn't Know About Being Canadian" (or should I say aboot?)  Anyway, I took this as a challenge, because as a Canadian, I guess I should know almost as much about Canada as I do about the USA.

http://www.readersdigest.ca/home-garden/13-things-you-didnt-know/13-things-you-didnt-know-about-being-canadian


1. Our Parliament Has a Sanctuary for Stray Cats

At first I read this as "Our parliament is a sanctuary for stray cats", which would explain why the conservative Members of Parliament are so fat.  But seriously, I saw that sanctuary a few years back when I visited Ottawa and wandered around the parliament buildings and talked to one of the unpaid volunteers who was feeding the cats. If this was coming out of the taxpayers pockets, though, you can bet all Canadians would know about it.

2. One of Our Prime Ministers Used a Crystal Ball

That would be William Lyon MacKenzie King, a native of the city where I live, Kitchener, Ontario.  I knew this, I think its taught in history class.  It was taught in my classes anyway.  Funny coincidence, the previous town I lived (Baie Comeau, QC) in was also a home to a Prime Minister, also had a middle name of "Lyon"

3. We Launched a Secret Project To Build an Aircraft Carrier Made From Ice

OK I did not know that.  My excuse is that it was a secret, and it never was built.  But it makes sense.  It would never rust, and we have the know-how to build that Ice Hotel in Quebec City.


4. Our Beavers Built a Dam Visible From Outer Space

Actually I knew that, I think it was on the news a few years ago.  So I went to Google Maps to see if it was visible from way up, which it is because there is water on one side, and green on the other.  Actually way more visible than the Great Wall of China that is reputed to be the only man made thing visible from space (which I doubt).

See this 2010 report, stating that the dam is 2800 feet long.  I guess it shrunk in the last two years, or was that a rounding error because Canadian beavers use metric units?
http://news.discovery.com/animals/beaver-dam-canada-space.html


5. Our Cities Have Some of the Freshest Air in the World

I did not know that.  One example given is Kitimat, a town similar to my home town of Baie Comeau, because it has an aluminum smelter and a paper mill, and is far from other cities.  As I recall during the sixties, the aluminum plant air pollution killed all the coniferous trees for about 20 miles around, while the paper mill air pollution was killing all the deciduous trees.  Finally, people started getting serious about air pollution when the acid in the air started etching the car windows.  Today it is pretty much cleaned up, but I don't know how they did it.  However, I would bet that the the air sampling centre in Kitimat is upwind of the paper mill and aluminum plant.

And finally, Googling Kitimat CLean Air, I came across this site, asking "Please don't burn garbage".  In Kitchener we are more serious about clean air, I believe there is a law against burning garbage.
http://www.rdks.bc.ca/content/air-quality


6. Have a Taste of Home When You Travel

I knew we grew mustard seed in Canada, but did not know they use our seeds in France to make Dijon mustard.


7. Iceberg Vodka? How about Iceberg Wine?

I did not know that Newfies make wine with iceberg water, but also I have never been to Newfoundland.  I do know that in Ontario we make wine with grapes that got frozen on the vine, and furthermore we charge a premium for that type of wine.  We are clever people.

8. Leave Your Door Unlocked in Churchill Manitoba...or Else!

I have never seen a polar bear in the wild, but I did see a documentary on Churchill's polar bears.  In the documentary they were interviewing this old native grandmother who got up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, and encountered a polar bear in the hallway and shot him.  The interviewer was shocked and disgusted that she would kill so magnificent an animal.  The old lady did not understand, she said "Well, I had to go to the bathroom"

9. You Can Drink a Toe Cocktail in Dawson City, Yukon

Yes I knew that, even though I have never been to the Yukon. I believe it is common knowledge to Canadians, and the main reason I have never been to the Yukon.

10. One of Our Cities Aims To Be the World's Greenest by 2020

I did not know this.  Go for it, Vancouver.

11. We Have the World's Most Dark Sky Preserves

Another thing I didn't know, although I did know that we have got dark sky preserves near Southern Ontario .

12. We've Minted Many of the World's Coins

Another interesting fact I didn't know.

13. Just Think, Being Canadian Means You Could Be From...

I pass through Punkeydoodles Corners, Ontario on the way to visiting my Mother most of the time.  Newfoundland has the best place names. If Ontarians weren't so uptight, Punkeydoodles would have been Punk Ass Corners.  Now what Canadian has not heard of Dildo, Newfoundland?  Mary Ann camped there one night a few years back, but she didn't take a picture.

OK, then I didn't do too badly on this quiz.  I have come up with a fourteenth thing I didn't know about being a Canadian, although technically, Newfoundland was not part of Canada at the time, but: The ferry from Sydney NS to Port Aux Basques NF was sunk by a german submarine in WW2.   http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/SS_Caribou



Picture: Dildo Run Provincial Park sign from the

http://www.slowtrav.com/blog/andasamo/travel_thoughts/2009_july_family_trip/

Gorillas are Liars

If a human speaks truthfully only once in their entire life, they are still an honest person. But if a Gorilla tells one lie, that gorilla is a liar for the rest of their lives.   This is a double standard.

In California, there is a female gorilla named Koko, who has been taught to speak in sign language. With an I.Q. of about 75, and a vocabulary of 1000 sign language words, she can form sentences and make up new compound words.

There are reports that Koko lied once.  Once, when left alone, Koko tore a sink out of the wall.  When her human discovered the ruined sink, and asked Koko who did it, Koko blamed her pet kitten.  Yes, Koko the gorilla had a pet kitten.  How did Koko get a pet kitten?  She asked for one through sign language, of course.  Anyway, With this one lie, Koko is now famous for being a liar, even though everything else she says is true (e.g. Koko want banana)

I have noticed that lying is more acceptable among humans than among gorillas.

Performing experiments on Koko could answer a lot of questions for us.  I have an idea for an experiment to force Koko to watch Fox News 24 hours a day.  After a few weeks, will this gorilla begin to forward right wing e-mails?

I am also interested in whether a Gorilla has the "God Gene", enabling them to have paranormal spiritual experiences.  I suspect that somebody has already spoken to Koko about religion. In wikipedia, I read that Koko named a Macaw "Devil tooth" because of the Macaw's dangerous beak.  So I assume at some point an attempt was made to convert Koko to Christianity, because otherwise how would Koko know the word "Devil". Unfortunately, I could not find out what Koko's religious affiliations were.

I Googled this website, titled "Koko the Gorilla PROVES Evolution a Lie!".  My immediate thought was that the born again Christians had gotten to Koko, and now Koko thinks that evolution is a lie.  But how would a gorilla, even as smart as Koko, prove Darwinism is a lie, while many humans have not been able to do so.

http://www.jesus-is-savior.com/Evolution%20Hoax/koko.htm

Unfortunately, it was not Koko's clever arguments that proved evolution was a lie.  It was the existence of Koko that proved humans could not have descended from apes. (The reason being if apes turned into humans, then how come Koko is still here?)  Frankly I was  disappointed, as I was looking forward to reading about Koko's thoughts on evolution and instead I got the thoughts of David J. Stewart, a Born Again Christian, and a long time non-gorilla.

If I understand religion correctly, God has made it possible only for Humans to commit sins.  The concept of sin does not apply to animals, therefore Koko can never "be saved by Jesus".  However even though Koko is an animal, it appears that she has officially sinned in the Human sense. Koko was once accused of sexual harassment in the workplace. I am not sure how the lawsuit against Koko ended, but innocent or guilty, where there's smoke there's fire, I always say.

I found a web page with an online chat between Koko and other AOL users, (no jokes about AOL users please.)  Many AOL'ers found Koko's conversation boring and began to dismiss her intellectual abilities.  If you are familiar with what people say about AOLers, this is a real put down.

http://worldofjasoncraft.com/Kokostory.html

Fortunately, Jason Craft was able to provide a simple explanation for Koko's seemingly nonsensical chat session.

Picture: Koko uses sign language to show Pet Kitty how to chat on AOL.  I photoshopped the computer and the words.  The Kitty is real.

Seven Things You Can't Say in Canada, Apparently.

Margaret Wente, a columnist for the Globe and Mail, wrote a piece for the Canadian Version of Reader's Digest titled "Seven Things You Can't Say in Canada".  To provide a bit of background, I consider the Reader's Digest to be an American propaganda voice, and the Canadian Edition to be a thinly disguised American propaganda outlet, forced to run "Canadian Content" similar to Time Magazine.  Margaret Wente moved to Canada in 1964 and became a Canadian citizen.

http://www.readersdigest.ca/magazine/7-things-you-can-t-say-canada-0

"Influential columnist Margaret Wente shares her controversial opinion on seven sacred Canadian cows most dare not criticize. Margaret Wente's background gives her a certain perspective on Canada's sacred cows."

There may be things you can't say in Canada, but in my opinion, these are not them.

1. Margaret Atwood's books are awful? Well at first I thought Wente might have a point there.  I hated "Stone Angel", at least the small part of it that I actually read.  Then I realized that "Stone Angel" is written by Margaret Lawrence.  Margaret Atwood wrote "The Handmaid's Tale", which I liked, or I should say I liked the movie, as I didn't read the book.  This barely qualifies as something you can't say in Canada.  If you said it in certain intellectual circles, you may get a lively debate going.  But I guarantee the secret police will not be at your door the next day
2. Recycling is a waste of time and money? I recycle stuff, and I find that overall I save time by recycling. I only have to put the garbage/recycling box out about once every six weeks instead of once a week. In exchange, I spend a bit of time sorting the trash into different boxes, and cleaning out empty cans and bottles. Because the blue box is right beside the garbage can, the extra time take making the decision where to throw stuff is negligible. The time I spend on recycling is done in a nice warm house.  The time I save carrying out the garbage is outdoors,  FMAO.  As for wasting money, I have been told that the recycling program is paid for by the bottling/canning companies, although I doubt it.  I can see the point though, that if a lot of people are spending time and paying taxes for a recycling program that some other people are ignoring, then it becomes an aggravation when somebody argues against it.  Kind of like somebody saying they save time by throwing their Tim Horton's cups on your lawn.  But news flash for Margaret Wente: Many populated parts of the USA have started recycling programs since you left in 1963.  When I was in Bismark North Dakota this summer, there was a discussion going on about starting up a blue box program even out there.  So the same taboo of criticizing recycling would apply in some parts of the USA.
3. Private enterprise saving health care?  Yes, you would get an argument from me about this.  I consider Canada's health care system to be an important part of living in Canada, and if we didn't have free health care I would probably move to the USA.  Here is why.  Without free health care I am obviously going to die sooner because I am a cheap bastard who doesn't want to pay for insurance or even life saving surgery.  So if I'm going to die sooner, I might as well go to the USA where I can at least ride my bike year round until I die from lack of health care.
4. David Suzuki is bad for the environment.  As Margaret says, "And our hugely expensive investment in the unworkable Kyoto treaty, which Mr. Suzuki tells us doesn’t go nearly far enough, will crowd out more practical measures to cut smog and clean up our waste sites." With recycling, Margaret was about 30 years behind the times, but with smog Margaret now appears to be  60 years behind the times. Killer smog was a big deal in London in 1952.  They took measures to eliminate smog, and so did the USA, particularly Los Angeles and the state of California. Smog has largely been dealt with now, and I'm guessing the expense was huge but probably worth it.  And as for more practical measures for cleaning up waste sites, didn't Margaret just finish arguing against recycling?  If she has something else in mind, now is the time to speak up.  Not even Americans (And I don't mean that in a bad way)  want the environment destroyed.
5. National day care programs: I don't care one way or the other at this point.  Let's skip to another topic that actually would annoy me.
6. Group of Seven paintings Overexposed?  I, like many other Canadians, do not buy art, but if we did it might be paintings of trees and rocks.  I suppose its possible that Canadian Art Critics may try to silence anyone who criticises the Group of Seven, as I have never met a Canadian Art Critic.  
7. The USA is the greatest force for good in the world.  Now we come to the climax, this is probably what Margaret Wente wanted to say all along, but had to pad it out with six other topics to make an entire column.  Canadians, of course feel this statement is bullsh*t, or we would have joined the USA long ago.  That way, we at least could vote in the US elections, and cross into Detroit without being sniffed up by salivating Rottweilers.  But she is right, Canadians do not believe that Americans are the master race come in the name of God to save the world.  The greatest force for good in the world may be science, or education, or a free press, or the Internet,  or consumerism, or democracy.  There are many choices, unfortunately all flawed in some way.

That brings us to the end of the seven things Margaret Wente thinks you can't say in Canada.

Now what about some of these that I came up with, that I didn't see on her list, but I think would be acceptable answers to the question "What things can't you say in Canada?"

1. Torture is a good way to extract confessions from criminals and terrorists.

2. Sometimes the law does not work, so lynchings are necessary.

3. Jesus is our only hope for salvation, and Pat Robertson is His one true prophet.

4. There was no holocaust.

5. Canada is the greatest force for good in the world.

Saying any of those 5 things in Canada would get you more of an argument than saying Margaret Atwood's books stink.

Picture: From Readers Digest, but I added the ironic wording on the box and on the shirt. Yes, ironic.

What Kind of Motorcycle Gear Would God Wear?

One of my blogs receives a lot of hits from people who google "What kind of motorcycle does God ride?". So I decided to cash in on this success (not literally, as I have not monetized my blog), by doing a follow-up. This time, the question is "What Kind of Motorcycle Gear Would God Wear?" By the way, "The Lost Motorcyclist" is the original author of this blog, and all those other commercial websites you found on Google with the exact same article about God's motorcycle, are copying my blog without permission.

I think it would be best to start at the top, with the helmet. As they say, if you have a ten dollar head, get a ten dollar helmet. With God's head, it would be impossible to find a helmet to match the cost, which would be well into the trillions I expect. But given that it is impossible to damage God's brain in an accident, you could make do with a plastic beanie, and not even worry about the DOT approval - just make sure to put the sticker on in case God gets stopped by the police. Of course, He could get out of jail easily, but God doesn't want any hassles from the fuzz.

Next is the question of the jacket. Hi-vis textile? Black leather Hell's Angels type jacket? The answer is simple. God does not need high visibility reflective colours as His glowing halo is visible enough from miles away. Also, we know intuitively that God is not a wimp, and so He would wear a real hard core 1%er black leather jacket. Hard core motorcycle jackets have "Gun pockets", where God could conceal his piece. But many motorcycle jackets have wimpy gun pockets that can only conceal a small Glock. God's gun pocket should be big enough for an Uzzi. With another smaller pocket for a back-up Glock. Not that God needs the protection of a gun, but some people just listen better when a loaded gun is pointed at them.

To complete the outfit, God would need a rebel do-rag, alligator skin cowboy boots, fingerless gloves, t-shirt saying "My Dad created the universe and all I got was this lousy T-Shirt", and American made blue jeans. I'm not sure about the underwear, so I'm going to leave that part up to God.

ANSWERS TO MY LAST BLOG ABOUT GOD'S MOTORCYCLE. To keep it brief, I pictured God riding a Dodge Tomahawk V-10 motorcycle. To answer some objections, yes, God can easily pick up a 1,500 lb motorcycle if it drops. And even though the tank only holds 3 gallons (smallish American gallons), I guarantee God will not be the one to hold up your group ride because he needs gas - God's gas is renewable! And, finally, how many time must I repeat it? Yes, God is OK with me writing blogs about Him. God loves humour, that's why He told me the Canucks would win the Stanley Cup last year.

Canada Fourth Most Uncool Country

A long time ago, I wrote a blog about the coolest motorcycles.

In that ranking, Steve McQueen and his Triumph motorcycle tied with T.E. Lawrence on his Brough Superior as most cool.

Now there is a ranking of coolest countries by Badoo.com.
http://www.ctv.ca/CTVNews/Canada/20110907/cool-countries-poll-110907/

In the rankings of countries, the USA came first. Canada did not make it into the top ten coolest countries, however it made it fourth on the list of uncoolest countries. The only countries uncooler than Canada were Poland, Turkey and Belgium.

This shocking result is a wake up call for all Canadians. We need to figure out how this happened, and do something to get ourselves onto the coolest list. Eventually, a Royal Commission can be set up to get to the bottom of this, but "The Lost Motorcyclist" (me) already has some ideas. The following numbers did not come from any official scientific survey, I just made them up. But they are a good starting point/ballpark approximation.

First comparing Canada to the USA

In clothing, toques (-63 cool points) vs. blue jeans (+93)

Next, in entertainment, Justin Beiber (-25) vs. Lady Gaga (+78)

In leadership, Stephen Harper (-100 cool points) vs. Barack Obama (+100).

We used to pretty good in beer, but today this is how it stands: Coors Light brewed in Canada (-70) vs. Coors light brewed in the USA (+70)

Major accomplishments of coolness? Vancouver Stanley Cup riot (-100) vs. 10th anniversary of 911 (+11)

Kick ass pastimes? Killing baby seals (-62) vs. Killing Osam Bin Laden (+20)

Economic activities? Dredging up tar sands (-37) vs. Drilling in the Gulf of Mexico (-4)

Technology? Blackberry (+6) vs. iPad (+49)


So that's a summary of what we have to deal with before we get on the cool list. Let's stop thinking about the past, and start some long term strategic thinking.

Sometimes all you need is to put the right guy in the right position to turn a losing team into a winner. I would suggest, for a start, switching roles between Justin Beiber and Stephen Harper. In their present positions, both come out as uncool. But as our new Prime Minister, Justin Beiber would immediately score +100 cool points. And Stephen Harper (now known as Lord Gaga) could go toe-to-toe with Lady Gaga in the most unbelievably weird entertainers category.

Picture: Stephen Harper with his kittens. With this picture in the public domain, it's surprising we didn't knock off Belgium for the top uncoolest country on Earth.

Motorcycle Humour, Funny or Not

Mary Ann received an email joke today that she forwarded to "The Lost Motorcyclist" (me). I will put a link to the joke here, in case you want to read it first. This blog is actually about the discussion we had after I read the joke on the computer.



http://www.just-humor.com/motorbike.htm



I did laugh, I tried not to, I couldn't help it. She said "That's impossible, motorcycles can't start when they're in gear."



I said, "First, the reason most motorcycles will not start in gear is because they have a lockout switch to disable the starter unless you are in neutral and/or have the brakes applied. Motorcycles up to the early 1970's had no lockouts, the owner's manual simply told you not to start them in gear. Second of all it's not a true story anyway, it's a joke."



"Couldn't the guy smell the gasoline in the toilet before flicking a lighted cigarette in there?"



"Maybe he didn't have a sense of smell."



"Why would somebody clean a bike with gasoline?"



"Well is does dissolve the grease really well, but on the down side it tends to blow up unexpectedly."



"How do you know how well it dissolves grease? You would never be so stupid as to clean your bike with gasoline, would you?"



"No, never! Well, not recently."



"And what about using gasoline in the house?"



"Of course not."

Vancouver Canux Lose, Prove God Exists

At last the suspense is over. November 2010, in a conversation with God, I asked for a sign that I was truly speaking to God, and not voices in my head. The sign I was given was this: God told me the Vancouver Canucks would win the Stanley Cup in 2011.

So for the last 8 months I have been waiting to see whether I was actually talking to God or not, and finally it's proven.

The Canucks lost the Stanley Cup. After thinking it over, I figure this outcome actually proves God exists. Why? you ask?

God's main rule is to never reveal Himself to us, for then it would be too easy to believe in God. So theoretically, God would be forced to tell me the wrong answer in order to test my faith. And that's exactly what happened!

Secondly, God would not predict Vancouver's victory, then eliminate them in the first round, as that has no dramatic effect. Instead, God would lead the Vancouver Canucks tantalizingly close to the Stanley Cup, and then send them down in defeat at the last opportunity, and combine that with a fair amount of humiliation and violence. Then he would turn loose the forces of Satan on downtown Vancouver to completely demoralize the Canuck fans. That also happened.

Thirdly, God would resurrect the Canucks a few days later and let them have another chance to win the cup next year, and that also is happening.

So the Bruins winning the cup has fulfilled the prophesies, and proves that God exists.

Unless, of course, that by proving God exists, He has violated his own rule of never proving that He exists.

Picture: Same "Talk to God" phone booth as in the original blog, but now this time there is no queue. Good now that leaves more of His time for me.

Canadian Election, Leaders' Debate

Canada is having a federal election, and last night "The Lost Motorcyclist" watched the leaders debate. Not because I really wanted to, but because it bumped my favourite TV show.

Canada currently has five federal political parties. I do not use the word "national" parties because one party, "The Bloc Quebecois" is intent on breaking up Canada, so it is a Federal party but not a National one.

Another party "The Green Party" has no members in parliament, never has had a member in parliament. Their leader was excluded from the debate for this reason. But there is no rule about this in Canadian politics, it is a decision traditionally made by TV executives depending on what they think will make the most interesting TV show.

We had the debate in English last night, and soon we will have the same debate (sort of) in French. Last night, only Gilles Duceppe, the Bloc leader, had any trouble with English. It's not because of his French accent, either. He has no trace of a French accent when he speaks English. He seems to have made up an accent of his own. Let me give you an example. The word "Panama" came up in the debate (no idea why and it better not be because we are bombing them). In French it is pronounced "panna - MAW". In English is it pronounced "PAN - uh-muh). Gilles pronounces it "pa - NAME - aw".

Let's try another one, "Ghetto". Even easier, it is the same word in French and English, and pronounced just about the same way "ge -to". You can verify that yourself by listening to it in French on this web page (click the triangle button). Gilles pronounces it "GETE- to".

http://www.forvo.com/word/ghettos/

The only conclusion I can come to is that Gilles Duceppe's English Language coach is a Conservative party supporter.

Now for the substance of the debate. The most effective technique used was contradiction. Your opponent says something and you say "That's not true, the very opposite is true."

For example: Layton (NDP leader) says to Harper (Conservative, and incumbent Prime Minister) "You are bad because you cut funding to xxxxx program.". Harper responds "That is not true, we have tripled funding to xxxxx program." Layton: "Why did you cut the funding?" etc.

My time was not totally wasted watching the debate, there were a few good barbs. Jack Layton: (paraphrased) "Why build more prisons? Criminals seem happy enough in the Senate". Reference to Harper appointing senators with a criminal past.

Case Study on How a Left Wing Brain Works

I have been told that among the common psychological characteristics evident in conservatives are:

• Fear and aggression
• Dogmatism and intolerance of ambiguity
• Uncertainty avoidance
• Need for cognitive closure
• Terror management
  

The Case Study

This email can serve as an example of the difference between the mental operations of a left wing type brain, and a right wing type brain. This email was posted on a conservative website:

This woman is 51.

Gillian McKeith is a TV “health guru” advocating a holistic approach to nutrition and health, promoting exercise, a pescetarian diet high in organic fruits and vegetables. She recommends detox diets colonic irrigation and supplements, also making statements that yeast is harmful, that the colour of food is nutritionally significant, and about the utility of lingual and faecal examination.

This woman is 50.

Nigella Lawson is a TV cook, who eats nothing but meat, butter and desserts. So forget “join a gym and eat more celery”...remember "everything in moderation."

How does a right wing brain process this email?  1. Very quickly get past the critical thinking part. 2. Arrive at conclusion:  this proves that eating meat and doing everything the big corporations say to do will make you healthy and beautiful. 3. Hit "Forward to all contacts" key, giving cognitive closure.

How does a left wing brain process this email? 1. Think who is sending these ridiculous emails now? 2. Think how easily some people are duped by anything they read. 3. Ask some questions such as, was Nigella's picture taken when she was 50? After all the caption says "This woman is 50.", not "This woman is 50 now, but in this (possibly photoshopped) picture she was 41. Second question: Why is Nigella holding a bowl of cherries if she only eats "meat, butter and desserts"? A bowl of cherries is fruit, isn't it? Maybe you consider a bowl of raw fruit a dessert, but I don't. To me dessert is cake, pie, or ice cream. Raw, unprocessed fruit is health food. If you think raw fruit is a dessert, you probably have a healthier diet than me.

4. Left wing brain looks up this miracle woman on Google, because a left wing brain is inclined to be skeptical that a fit, youthful, 50 year old woman would not exercise.

5. Left wing brain spends a little time looking at some other web pages such as this one. Puffy Eyed Nigella

6. While looking at the above website, the left wing brain notes that Nigella looks a bit worse for wear, and 7. Nigella admits to going to a gym, which sort of contradicts the email, but not really if you read it right. It never said Nigella does not go to the gym, it merely told you to forget about going to a gym.

8. Left wing brain hits "delete" key.


So to summarize the difference in brains. Right wing brain handles the job quickly, efficiently, takes action and moves on to other important stuff. Left wing brain dilly dallies, faffs about, and in the end does nothing. Second conclusion, 99% of forwarded emails are probably going to come from right wing brain type people.

By the way, what does the other woman, Gillian McKeith, look like in a flattering photo?
http://www.malextra.com/celebrity_interviews/Gillian+McKeith+Talks+Diets+Workouts+And+Poo-62137.html

I Missed Going for a Ride in December

Because of December, I missed my goal of getting at least one motorcycle ride in every month last year. Oh, I have excuses, though. In December southern Ontario had so much snow that the 402 was shut down for 30 hours. But in reality I probably could have got out at least once if I was really serious.

Now I am starting to get a bit desperate. I can tell because I am Googling accessories for the bike. A $700 Mustang seat with a backrest might be nice. But Mary Ann is already mad because she just added up the costs from 2010 and according to her figures I apparently spent about $3000 on going out to restaurants and cafes. It's no use arguing with her that she went with me most of the time. So now I have to choose between a Mustang seat and a King's All-U-Can_Eat Buffet. And I can't eat the seat, so the decision is now made. I don't even know why I was interested in changing the seat anyway, the stock seat is perfectly adequate for the type of riding I do. (Mostly to restaurants and cafe's)

Most of the snow melted a few days ago, so it's tempting to go out right now before it piles up again. But I am worried about running into wet roads and salt spray. Last year I started to find some serious pitting on the Vulcan's wheel rims. It does not matter all that much, as the wheels are rarely clean enough to see the metal. But my worrying abilities have x-ray vision. Just because it's out of sight, does not mean it's out of mind.

It might have been a good day for a ride, but my motorcycle Gang was having an important noon meeting, and I was late so I took the Toyota Matrix. I was making good time down Homer Watson Boulevard until I came up behind a firetruck with the lights, sirens and horn blaring. It was a bit frustrating for a while because I had to disengage my home made cruise control (the Toyota floormat on top of the gas pedal). After a few more minutes I noticed an unexpected advantage. The fire truck was tripping all the traffic lights to green. And also all the other cars were pulling over and stopping to let us by. Anyway soon we were at the end of Homer Watson down by the 401 exit, and the fire fighters shut off the flashing lights and went into the Tim Horton's. I wondered what the heck was wrong with the six other Tim Horton's we passed on the way down here? I guess maybe they weren't on fire. Anyway I got to the meeting on time.

Picture: So what are the clues that I photoshopped the picture? Well, there's no actual Tim Hortons, just the sign. And the firetruck does not have the usual Kitchener paint scheme. And the wiper blades are not the beam type blades I wrote about last month. I don't have a disco ball on my mirror, nor would I ever have one. Or that other unidentified object also blocking the view. And the cars on the road have not pulled over to the side.

Is Science History, or is it Toast?

I have a book called "Unscientific America: How scientific illiteracy threatens our future" by Chris Mooney and Sheril Kirshenbaum. Some of the public opinion changes are shocking over just the last ten years. In 1999, 47% of Americans thought scientific advances were among the nation's most important achievements. In 2009 that was down to 27%. I think even 47% is a disastrous number for a country like the United States of America. I would think 47% might be appropriate for Iceland or Vietnam, not for the country that sent men to the moon.

I have also noticed the decline in respect for science and scientists in the USA. I remember it being much higher back in 1969, when people the world over were amazed at TV broadcasts of men walking on the moon. But scientists have only themselves to blame for the decline. After all, here we are in 2011, and nobody is walking on Mars. Nobody is even walking on the moon any more. And there are more perceived failures. We have not cured the common cold, or cancer. We cannot predict earthquakes. Cars still can't fly, in fact they can't really go a whole lot faster than they could in 1969. We still don't have regular flights to the moon as promised in the 1969 movie falsely called "2001 a Space Odyssey". We can't predict the future, we don't have teleporters.

Even the things science did give us are suspect. Atomic weapons seem to be getting out of control. We have the internet, whose main claim to fame seems to be porn sites, and it's also a great place to go to learn how to build a dirty nuclear bomb in your garage. Even the greatest scientific invention of all time, the TV, has now become so complicated that my mother can't change her channel without me driving 300 km to reprogram the remote.

Today science has an increasingly influential rival. Think of the advances being made by fundamentalist religions. While nuclear weapons stand idle, paralyzed by political correctness, religious extremists have invented easily deployed "suicide bombers". Fundamentalists also have made great strides in faith healing, and have been able to cure everything from ALS to infertility. They also have answers to questions that remain a puzzle to scientists, like "where does life come from?", "who died to save us from our sins?" and "How did all those animals ever fit on the ark?". Just last week, my sister informed me that Jesus had repaired both of my nieces' cars at minimal cost, just by prayer alone. And last year, he also cured an allergy.

In foreign affairs, while NGO's and government agencies seem to be wasting their time in Haiti, Christian Fundamentalist faith healers can cure up to 300 sick Haitian people a day. How is science ever going to compete with that?

I think one of the biggest blows to science came with the fall of the Soviet Union. There was a Godless society that placed all its faith in science and technology to try and match the United States. When it fell, it was a Godly man, Ronald Reagan who claimed responsibility. And furthermore, the Soviets were beaten in a war against religious extremists in Afghanistan. What more proof do we need that science is a thing of the past?

Picture Say goodbye to the moon. Apollo 17 the last moon walk December 1972.

Clive Runnels Demands a Fence in the Manitoba Herald

The latest in a wave of right wing emails, is this story:

“Build a Damn Fence!"
From The Manitoba Herald , Canada ;
by Clive Runnels, August 1st 2010

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The recent actions of the Tea Party are prompting an exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and to agree with Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night. "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield , whose acreage borders North Dakota . The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?”

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through and Rush annoyed the cows so much that they wouldn't give any milk.”

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons and drive them across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves." A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single bottle of imported drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley Cabernet, though."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR races.

In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans in powdered wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age." an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and are renting all the Michael Moore movies "I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them." an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"

The first clue that this may be fake is that The Manitoba Herald closed down on August 2, 1877.

This story is likely written by an American who has no Canadian historical perspective. One who does not know for example, that English Canada was founded by a wave of US immigration after the War of Independence, people who came to be known as the British Empire Loyalists. Later on, Canada became a terminus of the "underground railway" for slaves escaping their bondage in the USA. As recently as the Vietnam war, Canada took in thousands of young American who did not wish to fight, known as "Draft Dodgers".

So here is a funny story, this time written by a genuine Canadian (me), of the next big immigration wave from the USA.

In the third decade of the twenty first century, global warming had become severe. Not only had New Orleans disappeared, but also Los Angeles, Miami, and Washington. Droughts had devastated the US, and it's economy was in ruins, partly because jobs had gone to China, and partly through endless tax cuts to the rich, who now owned everything, while the rest were homeless and starving.

Meanwhile Canada's permafrost receded and settlers were starting move up to the previously uninhabited north. Canada, a liberal, well managed, tolerant country had opened the border to Americans, but millions of Hummer driving Limbaugh listening NASCAR watching conservatives were afraid to go to Canadian Welcome centres because their heads were filled with anti-Canadian propaganda.

So they began to swarm across the border in convoys of heavily armed camouflaged four wheel drive pickups, carefully avoiding high danger areas such as wind farms or evolution museums. When they got stuck, nice Canadians helped them out, gave them, a place to stay and food, and suggested they go to a local immigration welcome centre. But the new American refugees were afraid their guns would be registered, or they may have their Holy Bibles confiscated, or they might be refused the right to pray or say Merry Christmas."

"Nonsense" said the Canadians. "We welcome all religions, all types here. We even let Americans buy up all our prime land and fly the USA flag on it. That's because we're just so nice. We even have a political party for you, the Conservative Party of Canada, that believes in Biblical creation, and destroying the environment, and pre-emptive wars, and torture. You're going to love it here."

"We'll see about that. Right now, two of our children have gunshot wounds from playing with their automatic 45 caliber handguns. Is there a hospital around that can take care of them?"

"Of course, and it will be free of charge too."

"What! That sounds like some kind of socialist guvvimint run death camp! Turn the truck around, Thelma. We're heading back south to Freedom!".

"Sorry to see you go, eh?" Said the Canadian. And then as they were covered with the rooster tail of mud from the truck's spinning tires, he turned to his wife and said "They seemed like such nice people, too!"

Picture: Vancouver Sun. I got it off this American website: http://politicalpackrat.blogspot.com/2010/11/manitoba-herald-goes-viral.html

How to Profit from the Coming Medieval Ages

There is no better way to riches than being able to predict the future. If you can't predict the future precisely, at least try to spot trends developing. I would like to share with you, a trend I have spotted and show how it can be exploited to your financial advantage.

We may be less than two years away from Sarah Palin becoming an American president who believes in holy wars, torture, devils, and witchcraft. And she will not be a big fan of scientific research in areas such as evolution, abortion, stem cells, DNA, the environment and global warming.

If Sarah Palin's presidency turns out to be the forward tip of a trend, I think it would be good advice to start looking now for similar periods in history, and do not skim lightly over the chapters on the medieval age and the crusades.

As I was growing up, I must admit I was influenced by a lot of anti-medieval attitudes that were promoted in history books. Stories of horrendous tortures, witch burnings, senseless holy wars, slavery, serfdom, and tyranny, all in a setting of filth and plagues. I was not a big fan of the medieval times.

Some polling uptrends in the last few years include hatred of science, belief in devils and ghosts, faith healing, disdain for education, love of torture. All on the increase. Interest in voting, on the other hand is on the wane. These are all ideas that polled similarly in Medieval times. Although we may never go back to the same pestilence ridden dark ages of Europe, there are still some significant opportunities to learn from the past while gaining insights into what the future might bring.

When I was researching the medieval times, I was surprised by just how many upbeat websites there were, with career guidance suggestions especially. Looks like I'm not the only one interested in preparing myself for the eventuality.

The justice system, economy, and government in medieval times were fear-based. In law, tortures were allowed for both confessions and punishments, for the guilty and the innocent alike. The economy was based on slavery and forced labour, with fearsome torture awaiting those who grumbled about their servitude. The government had castles set aside specializing in the torture of rebels, dissidents, and infidels. If this gives you any ideas for good career opportunities, you are not alone, and the topic of "Jobs in the Torture Industry" will be picked up later.

In order to better enjoy what's left of my my retirement, it would probably be advisable to cash in all my investments, close all my accounts, and buy gold coins and ingots. Check out all the ads on Fox News for gold if you don't think this is the way of the future. Then look at the current price of gold. Medieval people were not big on "paper money" they like something with value to exchange for goods and services. If you are interested in investing money other than in gold, you could get some tips from this "End Times Portfolio" blog.

Skills are always with you, and it would be good to take some practical courses that could serve in the coming religious age. These jobs could be hiring in less than ten years: Blacksmiths, Blood letters, rat catchers, hangmen, torturers, religious pastors, squires, soldiers, court jesters, and cathedral stone masons. A particularly good job, if you can get it, is Grand Inquisitor. A job you may want to avoid is the coyly named "gong farmer" who cleans out latrines, after sorting through the excrement for dropped buttons and coins. (Why buttons? Remember, no zippers) Since the Gong Farmer has been nominated for worst job in all history, I suggest making an extra special effort to find a different line of work if you wish to fully enjoy your return to the medieval times.

And you might want to tear up and burn any science diplomas, books, and any educational awards in relation to astronomy, geology, and genetics. Especially so if they have anything to do with works by Darwin, or Galileo. You will be more likely to burn at the stake than to get a paying job in these areas.

For a comprehensive list of medieval jobs, consult these web pages.
http://www.medieval-life-and-times.info/medieval-england/medieval-jobs.htm
http://medieval.stormthecastle.com/medieval-jobs.htm
Or buy the book on this page.
http://site.annickpress.com/catalog/catalog.aspx?Title=Archers,+Alchemists+and+98+Other+Medieval+Jobs+You+Might+Have+Loved+or+Loathed

The jobs to avoid the most are on this page
http://forums.canadiancontent.net/history/51434-medieval-worst-jobs.html

A particularly lucrative industry for people who desire good income with stable employment, will be springing up around the design and manufacturer of instruments of torture. A surprisingly wide variety of instruments are require in medieval cultures, and all are hand crafted. Some experience blacksmithing would be an asset. Just a sample of the instruments required: Branding Irons, Iron Maidens, Racks, Thumbscrews, Foot presses, Foot screws, Heretic's forks, and many others. This is a growth industry with real potential.
http://www.medieval-life-and-times.info/medieval-torture-and-punishment/instruments-of-torture.htm

If you are of the male persuasion, you are probably OK, but I might suggest any females get a sex change operation while they can. Women in the dark ages were considered chattel, like goats, and had a harder life than men, with fewer opportunities for advancement. Many more women than men burned as a witch or starved in poverty (hint women were not allowed to own property, so if your husband died, you were done for).

Picture: Christians fighting Muslims in the Middle East during the crusades, when it was not politically incorrect to wear the cross of Jesus prominently displayed.