Consumers Guide to Choosing a Messiah

• 
  As with any major decision in life, you need to be careful when choosing a personal saviour.
  
  As if it wasn't bad enough that there are thousands of religions to choose from, you also have some evil poseurs pretending to be God, to lure you to Satan. A mistake can result in eternity burning in hell, so I would advise taking your time.
  
  I would suggest that you not pick religion based on promises of monetary rewards, or miracles, especially since those can be faked by devils pretending to be Jesus. Definitely ask for letters of recommendation from previous employers.
  
  Ask some hard questions of any potential personal saviours. For instance:
  
  If a man should strike you on the cheek, what do you do? Answer should be "Turn the other cheek", not "Bomb him back to the stone age"
  
  Is it OK to love your enemies? Answer should be "Yes", instead of "lock them all up."
  
  What should I do unto others. Answer should be "What you would have them do unto you."
  
  Who are the blessed? Answer should be "the meek", not the Wall street CEO's.
  
  When stoning people to death, who gets to cast the first stone? Answer: He who is without sin, not he who says "praise Jesus" loudest.
  
  Why should you not judge others? Answer: Lest ye be judged yourself.
  
  Is it OK to murder opponents who threaten my oil investment profits? Answer should be no.
  
  Should torture ever be used on prisoners to obtain valuable information? The correct response should be no.
  
  Do you vote Republican? The correct response is I do not get involved in politics.
  
  Is it all right to bomb civilians? The answer should be no.
  
  Is it OK to steal something by force that was given to me by God? Answer NO
  
  Can I accuse other people of pacts with the devil without absolute proof? Answer should be NO.